Inhale, Exhale
by Black Silken Rose
Summary: The battle with Sensui was no time for the Prince of Reikai to realize that his feelings for Yusuke were more complicated than he'd thought. After the world's been saved and Yusuke falls into a pattern of questioning and restlessness, Koenma is given a chance to reflect on what it means to be alive. Yaoi, Yusuke X Teen!Koenma


HELLO FROM PARIS!

This is a short little Yusuke x Teen!Koenma fic as requested by the lovely utazawa: thank you so much for waiting for this!

Disclaimer: I do not own Yu Yu Hakusho. I do not own any anime/manga franchise (at least, not yet).

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Before he'd met Yusuke, he sometimes forgot he was alive.

It was a strange sort of thing, to be both an ethereal being and to depend on life energy like the humans whose deaths he ruled over, unbeknownst to them. Most beings in Reikai, aside from the ogres, were themselves souls. Even Botan had needed a corporeal body to interact with beings of lesser spirit awareness, which he'd granted her without much ado. But him, the Prince himself, was more than just a soul. He was a born demi-god, a being somewhat above all beings, a life supported by blood and food and filled with bodily desires. Like humans, he hungered, grew tired, developed sores and blisters from overwork, though all with much more difficulty than his weaker counterparts. The difference lay not in his function, but in his freedoms.

It was easy, locked away in his palace in the sky, to forget what it meant to live.

Likewise, he'd grown numb to concepts like death early on, stamping approvals for entrance into Reikai and the various Hells without much thought so long as it fit the criteria he was meant to fill. Dying was just as natural as breathing, he'd say, as if was done just as often. With the passing of time he grew less affected by the cause and effect he'd see on the pages stacked in front of his desk day after day, less surprised by anything words had the ability to express.

Then, he'd met Yusuke.

Admittedly, the first year of that boy's life, or rather, of his death and rebirth, the Princeling had experienced more moments of doubt than he did confidence. The fact that Yusuke had been given a chance unlike any he'd seen was certainly enough to peak his interest in the boy (despite being responsible for him from the get-go), but what had really solidified his attention was Yusuke's complete disregard for it. Upon learning about his refusal to return to the world of the living, Koenma forgot how much he took life and death for granted, simply dumbstruck by the other's complete uncaring. Was it really possible, he wondered, for a person to feel so unloved, so displaced, that they'd rather face an eternity as a wandering spirit than get to experience everything life had to offer? It didn't take long for him to receive an answer: an unequivocal yes, there was hopelessness in the world, and it called itself Urameshi. There had not been a moment more solemn in the would-be king's life than realizing that, in his hundreds of years sentencing people to death, this child had lost all hope in a life beyond misery. Up until then, Koenma had been resigned to whatever decisions that souls made.

This time, though, he felt compelled to push.

It had been the luckiest of bargains, offering the boy what resources Reikai had in order to give him back his breath. Had he been honest with them both, it would have been much easier to prepare a place for him in one of the various purgatories while a spot in Reikai was carved out for him - perhaps a year or two of restless wandering and meeting other spirits who'd felt too lost to move on would have been good for him even. It had been a risk, even, to provide the delinquent with power such as that hidden within a spirit beast and the help of his favorite reaper, but he'd been too curious to pass it up. That had been it, though - it had been a century since he'd experienced such intense curiosity that he hadn't been able to turn it down. Watching Yusuke run around, to save his own life and that of those he cared for had been more exciting than any pile of paperwork or ogre wrestling tournament. It happened so fast that even he couldn't identify the moment that curiosity made way to investment, deep, painful investment.

It had been so long since he'd felt anything as concrete as that, as the desperation of the boy's to find a place for himself in the chaos of an unloving world.

He'd built a more appropriate body for himself after that, realizing how little his form affected the other when they were finally brought face to face and finding himself hurt by it. In truth, aging was something that took energy for beings like him, energy that once expended could not be taken back. The moment he chose to be an adult, for good, would be the moment he began dying - as all gods did. His father had done it to overthrow his predecessor, a story from thousands of years ago, but the whispers of death permeated even his reign. It was Koenma's duty not to age, to stay a perfect specimen of potential until the moment Enma was no more, of only to preserve the lineage. The Mafukan had been a tool for that, another reason to keep him small and docile, a responsibility that could not be overlooked by anyone with compassion for humanity. He'd never even considered threatening that until Yusuke, and even then his form would only be temporary, a concession for life eternal. Still, he found it thrilling, another mix of emotions that he wasn't sure he'd ever experienced, but pretended to be accustomed to.

It was that eternal life, that presence and guarantee of Reikai in safe hands, that he'd put on the line during the Ankoku Bujutsukai. He'd had to actively put it out of his mind, then, just how invested he'd become in Yusuke's life. In truth, he'd known that if the Toguro's had won, it would be unlikely for them to wreak total chaos on Ningenkai - or at least for the younger of the two to do so. He couldn't speak for the other demons, especially the one that smelled of gunpowder, but the most powerful of their group had still kept humanity in his heart, despite his disillusion. There was no doubt in his mind, however, that the team would have died: them and everyone they loved. It had been a promise, a point to be made, and that at least the two brothers would keep. For that alone, and perhaps the pure uncertainty of a future without the usual balance, the Prince stepped out to meet Sakyo face to face, calling what he knew was not a bluff. Nothing he'd seen on the death certificates of millions had prepared him for how terrified he'd been in that moment.

It was only in his memories that his heart hurt when Yusuke calmly said that the world needed to stay, if only so that he and Keiko could grow old in it.

He'd not figured out his feelings until the world was ending once again, all fire and brimstone and psychotic poets who spoke words sounding so close to the truth that he'd almost believed it himself. It had taken him another push to face them, something not easily done for someone so unaccustomed to the complexity of emotion, and it had happened in the form of explosion. He'd never been more ashamed in his life than he had after abandoning Reikai, knowing that though his reasoning was sound, he'd seemed like a lovesick child rebelling out of passionate infatuation. He also knew that if at some point he'd denounced Yusuke's actions, even if not supporting the decisions made on Reikai's part, his father would have taken him back with open arms. In one foul move he'd become a politically outspoken enemy of the state, and all for an end that he could not find within his sight. Even so, he couldn't find it in him to have hope for the world. Instead, he had hope for one boy in particular.

He'd made it a point to be as present as he could after his exile, not only because he had nowhere else to go, but because he couldn't stand the idea that the team he'd assembled thought of him as no more than an informant. That certainly was to be expected of the demons (he knew that while Hiei was no longer actively looking for a reason to kill him, Kurama disliked him enough to entertain the thought), but the human's opinion of him had grown greatly in value. The fall of Shinobu had done much to shake his confidence, and with a key more powerful than he'd ever had reason to conceptualize between his teeth, confidence was something he was in great need of.

Everything he'd worked for had shattered when Yusuke died. That sort of thing was hard to shake.

But like his spirit beast the phoenix, Yusuke had experienced resurrection again, and with him so did Koenma's hope. He'd not lamented over being left behind then, instead putting his immense trust in his detective to the test as the battle was finished in a world both faraway and flowing into theirs.

The end felt sudden, as all ends do, despite having been an all or nothing fight. He'd not dared think about what would come of him after the alleged apocalypse, hadn't dared to dream of a life beyond what had been safe and familiar, but it had come all the same. The team, with one important exception, went back to their usual lives. It was then that the reality of his rebellion, the consequences that he'd been threatened with seeped into his reality. He was displaced, without a home of reason for being, stuck like a ghost in time.

He was not the only one.

Once again, they found themselves sitting in a cafe along a particular bustling street in Mushiori, staring out the large glass windows in favor of attempting to intake the ridiculously potent mixture that was supposed to be coffee in front of them, lost in their own thoughts. Gorge had offered voluntary exile once the dust had cleared, but the once-Prince had denied him immediately, claiming that he'd need as many friends on the inside of Reikai as he could get, but really not wanting to be responsible for the loss of his livelihood. He'd given Botan the same talk, and they kept in contact reasonably frequently, but most days Koenma found himself alone. Lodging wasn't an issue; he'd had enough personnel in Reikai who had been on his side of the split and chose to set him up with a series of safe houses in Ningenkai. The SDF's search for him was mostly in name only, and Koenma was fairly certain that his father had ordered them to leave him be as long as he wasn't actively causing trouble. Still, it was hard not to feel alone, even with the miracle of a man that was sitting across from him.

Koenma had never felt like he'd understood Yusuke as much as he did then.

Restless was one word for it, purposeless more fit to feeling. Perhaps Sensui's motives were even more ulterior than they'd guessed; his death, like Toguro's, had left Yusuke haunted with lingering questions. Now that the crisis had been averted, the Princeling could see a searching behind the other's eyes, trying to find his place in a world that he cared enough to save, but finding that it was no longer his to live in. In a twisted way, the Black Angel's purpose had made sense to the raven haired teen. He'd understood Sensui, if not agreed with him. He'd empathized with him, though not supported him. He'd felt what the other had felt, standing in a world he thought he knew and realizing that things were not as they appeared.

So he lived with the knowledge that something necessary to his existence was missing, but not knowing what it was.

It was clear that he was in pain, and though he could comprehend it, Koenma watched sadly without a way to fix it. Lately, all they'd do was sit in silence, Yusuke waiting for something that was not coming and Koenma hoping he would find it. The others had moved on as far as they knew, each in their own separate direction. Once again, they'd been left behind.

To say the least, it was not the time to be experiencing confusing feelings toward the former detective.

In many ways, despite the number of seasons he had seen, the demi-god was very young. And Yusuke, despite being still almost a child by human standards could seem so very old. He could see it now, as the boy stared at the people passing by, the sunlight casting half shadows over his face. His eyes were accustomed to violence, to challenge, his body much the same. He'd died, twice now, in both cases his life taken by the hands of another human. If there was anyone who had witnessed the cruelness that humanity had to offer, it was him.

Sometimes Koenma dreamed of wrapping the boy in his arms, his face against his chest, and assuring him that the world loved him for what he did, even if he didn't believe it.

"What's heaven like?"

Had he not been so aware of Yusuke, he might not have registered the sudden coming of his voice, calm and clear, as if they hadn't just been sitting in silence for the past forty minutes. The once-Prince stared at the other for a moment, taken aback by the question and wondering what exactly he'd meant by asking.

"I don't know," he said, adding with a taste of bitterness, "I imagine it's quite like this, serene and uneventful." The boy went back to staring out the window, offering a small noise in acknowledgment as he thought about that.

"Heaven's not enough," Yusuke's voice was small, as if he'd meant to say it to himself and not aloud, but he directed it at the other thereafter. "For someone like me, I mean. I don't think peaceful is really my style." The Princeling turned all of his attention to the darker haired one, trying to force his expression into a concentrated one but coming off stern.

"What do you mean, Yusuke?" The boy shrugged, rolling his head back along his shoulders as he straightened out his sitting position so he could look at Koenma without having to turn.

"I dunno, I just don't feel right about this," he made a vague gesture, which the other assumed was meant to encompass Ningenkai. "It's like there's a whole 'nother world out there, a whole other part of me that we were so close to finding, but then we all just packed up and came back and pretended it didn't happen." He grew quiet again, as if he'd said too much in one blow and had used up all of his words.

Koenma sighed, looking away from the teen who had set a somewhat hard, somewhat pleading glance his way.

"This conversation again?" Yusuke made a face, which Koenma interpreted as him pouting. "Yusuke, we've been through this. What happened in Makai is beyond our knowledge, but you killed Sensui and saved everyone. What more can you want than that?"

"It wasn't me." The former detective spoke through grit teeth, tired of repeating himself for what seemed like the thousandth time. "Well, in a sense it was me, but I wasn't in control. You know what I mean. But there's more than that." He leaned forward, sticking the other with a look he couldn't escape from. "Whatever it was that took over at that time knew me, like we were a part of each other. And, listen Koenma, I've never been a part of anything in my life. Something about it felt right, you know? Not the killing Sensui part, that felt really, really wrong since it wasn't me and all, but the voice inside my head sounded familiar. I don't know how to explain it, okay, it's just eating at me."

"It felt like a calling." Yusuke had started to go back to looking out the window, but stopped at the tone of understanding in the once-Prince's voice. He stared at him for a minute, trying to figure something out, before clicking his tongue and finding another car to trace in the distance.

"Well not when you make it sound stupid like that."

Koenma almost grinned, but for the upset that lingered in the other's voice. Apparently his understanding wasn't enough; Yusuke was looking for something more. Of course he was, Koenma thought to himself, he'd just witnessed the death of the closest person he'd ever met to himself, and by his own hands nonetheless. It was one thing if he'd pulled the trigger himself, that he could justify, but to be trapped in his own body like that as it happened was sure to leave him pulling at the edges of the mystery.

"What about the Tantei?" Yusuke shot him another glare. "I'm not trying to be difficult Yusuke, but I don't get it. What about the Tantei? What about Keiko? Are these things really not enough for you that you need to go out seeking deadly body snatchers for fun?"

"It's not - maybe we shouldn't talk about this." This time it was Koenma's turn to be frustrated.

"Maybe you should stop being a baby and actually try to explain your feelings for once. I'm tired of walking on eggshells with you." He knew he wasn't one to talk, especially not with the way his heart lurched when Yusuke looked at him, half pained and half accusatory, before rifling through his wallet to pay the bill. Koenma bit his lip, a habit he'd developed since the Mafukan had been rendered useless. They left in silence, the Princeling trailing a few steps behind as Yusuke stomped his way home, angry either at the other or at himself, neither was really sure. Both, though, knew that the conversation was far from over.

They came to Yusuke's apartment after ten minutes of walking, neither taking the initiative to start speaking with the other just yet. It didn't need to be said that Koenma was coming in; Yusuke simply held the door open and the other slipped off his shoes, making his way into the boy's room without invitation. As usual, Atsuko was gone; the only thing that marked her presence anywhere outside of her room was the pile of recyclables by the door and a note on the table, which she'd gotten in the habit of leaving after Yusuke's first brush with death. Though he pretended not to care, Yusuke glanced it over before making his way into the room as well, sitting on the edge of his bed and looking just as restless as he did before. Koenma stood for a bit, taking in his surroundings and letting the other grow accustomed to him in his space, before joining him.

"It's not like I don't appreciate them," Yusuke started with great difficulty, as if he'd not been interrupted in the first place. "But the Tantei isn't together anymore. There's nothing left to fight here, nothing that needs saving, anyway."" He trailed off, seeming unwilling to continue.

"And Keiko?" Koenma prompted him, not wanting to hear the answer but thinking it best for both of them if it was said.

"Keiko is... shit, don't make me say it." The look he received didn't give him much of an option. Yusuke ran a hand through his slicked back hair, swallowing a number of curses that Koenma chose to ignore. "Listen, I'll always love Keiko, but right now I can't be _in_ love with her, not the way she deserves. She always used to feel like home," he said this more quietly, like he was afraid of admitting it. "But now I don't feel home. I don't know what home is."

Koenma was quiet, feeling an unpleasant mixture of heartbroken and twisted hopefulness, knowing too that there was more the former detective needed to say and giving him the time to do it. He wouldn't have been able to find the right words to respond with, anyway.

"And that's not her fault." This time Yusuke was firm when he spoke, as if it were the one thing he was sure of. "Keiko was my first love, and I think when I figure this whole thing out I'll love her right away again, but right now she's just my best friend. I think she knows it too, and I think she's going to be okay with it. But right now she's not what I need."

He'd not noticed the way his voice had changed until after he'd spoken, low and smooth, hinting and afraid.

"Then what do you need, Yusuke?"

The boy scratched his head, frustration in the movement. A moment later, he'd fallen back on the mattress arms spread wide, completely exasperated by the mere thought of it.

"Fuck if I know. But it's not this. Being this dissatisfied ever day is making my feel like a deviant, though."

Koenma's fingers were in Yusuke's hair before he could even comprehend what he was doing. They stroked gently, separating strands stiff with gel as they went.

"No one's stopping you, Yusuke. Find a way back and go, if that's what you need. Keiko will wait. I'll wait. Hell, the world will wait, just come back to us eventually, okay?" He pulled his hand back gruffly, hoping he could pretend that the act was meant to comfort Yusuke but had embarrassed him too much to continue. In truth, he didn't think he'd ever forget the way it had felt, and just how much warmth had emanated from the other's body.

Yusuke didn't move for a moment, just looked up at him blankly, as if time had stopped. Slowly, the other could see the gears begin to turn in his head, and the smallest hint of a smile appear on his lips.

"Yeah. I think I'll do that." He sat up quickly, stretching his arms out high above his head and cracking his neck before looking at the demi-god. "So, how do I go about breaking into Makai?"

Koenma sighed, juxtaposed with the other's grin as they spent the rest of the afternoon arguing over alleged plans to infiltrate the demon holding and why most of said plans were no more than idiotic. There was a fair share of laughter and name calling (in particular Koenma claiming Yusuke was a failure as a strategist and Yusuke vaguely recalling Kurama saying the same thing to him years ago), and a general share of friendship unlike anything that had happened between the two in what felt like centuries. When the time finally came for Koenma to make his exit, it was done with unusual hesitance, as if once the moment was broken there would be no returning to it. Yusuke had only smiled, brighter than he'd seen since his fight with Jin so long ago, and veered at him through the open upper story window.

Afterwards, even knowing that a parting was likely to come, Koenma didn't feel quite so alone.

Neither did Yusuke.

It was only a matter of weeks before the arrival of Hokushin and the news that would further change the lives of the demons among their patchwork tribe. Koenma could honestly say that he hadn't expected it, but he had expected _something_ ; Yusuke would have found a way into Makai if he'd had to dig his way there with his bare hands. He tried not to lament it, Yusuke leaving, but as the moment grew nearer and more definite he couldn't help but find himself seeking out the other. The detective seemed glad enough for his company, gladder than usual even, but the sadness that the Princeling felt at the coming end kept him from staying long, each visit growing shorter than the last. Yusuke seemed confused as to why, but didn't ask. Koenma assumed that it was because he didn't want to know the answer.

In the end, it was his services that were needed in creating a successful portal to Makai. He'd had the newly found Mazoku make the arrangements, as Hiei would be returning at the same time as him. It made it easier; all he'd have to do was show up on the day of his exit, open the gates, and leave knowing that his friend was going to finally find himself. All the time he kept reminding himself, this is a good thing, this is not forever. What's a few years, or what he hoped would be a few years, when you've already lived for a century?

They hadn't planned it, but both arrived hours in advance of the planned meeting. Had Koenma known that Yusuke was going to be there he wouldn't have shown... probably. He had to admit that his decisions weren't entirely his lately, especially when concerning the presence of the other. They'd laughed about it at first, but then the laughter had faded into something awkward, something heavy.

Yusuke had wandered over to him but neither of them said anything at first besides exchanging simple greetings. Despite the lump in his throat, Koenma found he couldn't swallow. There it was, there they were, in the last moments they would share for no one knew how long as friends, and the Prince was unable to express himself.

Or perhaps, he was just afraid of what he'd say.

"Aw, hell," the detective had grumbled before lunging at the other, crumpling the front of his tacky shirt in his fists as their faces collided, lacking all delicacy and grace that was to be expected of a street fighter. Koenma's brain short circuited for half a second before the rest of him caught up, recognizing the action as something he had dreamed about for countless nights and trying to reenact those misty memories from will alone. When he kissed back it was sloppy and unpracticed, all eagerness and desperation and lack of forethought, but it didn't matter- none of it mattered so long as Yusuke was still there and his lips weren't pulling back.

Yusuke kissed like he tasted, wild and uninhibited. Koenma tried as he could to give as good as he got, but it was difficult when the detective took the reigns, all tongue and searing heat, refusing to give them back. The would-be King found his back pressed against the bark of a tree, the impact taking what little breath he still had away as Yusuke threatened to keep the rest, but couldn't bring himself to care. Even in the haze that the other brought on, the back of his mind whispered that there was little time, and to exploit it as much as possible.

And yet, passion did not stop their need to breathe.

"You suck at this," Yusuke gasped, panting heavily but not pulling back, his breath coming out in puffs against the other's face. Koenma went from frazzled to pissed in half a second, punching the other in the jaw as hard as he possibly could. Yusuke only laughed, though he did stumble back a few steps to the other's credit. Contrary to what he expected (and really, could any of his expectations be reliable at this point) the detective was in his face again, roughly pushing him back against the tree with both hands and they were kissing again, the transgression passed. This time the Princeling didn't worry about initiating it, sinking into the grip that held him tightly in place and followed as the detective led.

It was Hiei that ended up cutting them short, signaling politely from an agreeable distance with his energy that he was there and that the other's were coming. Yusuke had groaned loudly as he pulled back, pressing his forehead against the demi-god's before actually creating some space between them. Koenma's knees shook, his costume disheveled, mouth wet and agape and seeking warmth. Yusuke couldn't help but to grin at the sight, cursing himself silently for not having done anything sooner when that was the result.

"Listen," he said, speaking more quickly than usual and closing the space between them one last time just to feel the other tremble, ever so slightly, when their skin touched. "Right now, I don't know enough about myself to be in love. Right now, that's not what I need. What I _do_ need is to go and experience whatever's out there, and then, maybe when that journey's over, and maybe after I've given Keiko her fairytale life, we can see if that's what this is. Whatever kind of love this, because it's _something_."

Better than the fool he believed himself to be Koenma didn't answer, just kissed Yusuke again before breaking it himself and being the one to walk away, as composed as he could be. It wasn't long before the other's arrived, their farewells taking precedence over the moment that the two had shared as they tried to understand exactly what it was that Yusuke was after when he didn't know himself.

When the time came, and he'd said his goodbyes to the others, he and the forgotten Princeling clasped hands in a friendly goodbye. The others were too caught up to hear the words spoken, quiet but cocky, before the former detective's hand slipped away and he turned his back to the other.

"And while I'm gone, you should do the same. Stop hiding. Gain some experience. I'll be looking forward to it, someday."

And Koenma laughed, watching as he disappeared and the portal closed. One by one, they all left, every one of the friends that had come to see them off, each of them to separate homes and separate lives, to individual hopes and dreams. Koenma watched them all go, waiting until there was nothing left but quiet dark. Feeling their presences fade, the Princeling closed his eyes, and let out a deep breath.

Time to live.

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Thank you so much for reading, and if you liked it **REVIEW IT!**

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